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Smoking grass endangers humanity

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Cheatgrass, seen here trying to light this human’s shoelaces on fire.

With all the wars that the Guys wage, we’re wary to start another one, especially one with plants. We don’t know if you’ve noticed, but they’re everywhere. Plus, what would we do without fig leaves on the eventual day that the Obama administration outlaws clothes?

But, grass — specifically, cheatgrass — has now been implicated as the culprit behind 39 of the 50 biggest Great Basin wildfires from 2000 – 2009. And if you think that cheatgrass is overall good with a tarnished reputation because of a few bad blades, think again. “The invasive [grass] covered 6% of the landscape, but 13% of the burned land, giving it an outsized role in the largest fires.” It is militant, it is invasive, and it doesn’t have the most trustworthy name.

Unfortunately, fighting fire with fire won’t work. Every time the grass burns, it clears even more land for its spawn, choking the life out of what could be a very effective parking solution for Reno and Salt Lake City. Maybe that’s the solution: we’ll pave cheatgrass, and put in a parking lot. (Do-ooo wop wop wop wop!)


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